Tuesday, March 18, 2008

doctor dreams

Well, I'm home from Vegas, 5 pounds heavier...oops!! I don't plan to go back ANY time soon. That place was NOT nice to me. I'm not a gambler, clearly. I didn't win my $10. Even more than that, I was on a slot machine for about 30 minutes, got up to go sit with J and wouldn't you know that the lady who sat down after me won $40. No, it's not a lot, but it would have been the simple $10 that I wanted to win. Whatever. I'm over Vegas.

In other news, J and I had a long talk during our hour car ride home from the airport about IF and how much we will continue to do to get pg. We were talking about all the questions that we have for the RE and our nurse, and about how far we will go. For some reason, he's not wanting to do IVF. I just feel in my heart of hearts that this is where we will end up. I certainly hope not, but I feel like that's where we're headed. The thing that sucks is that we're now undiagnosed, so there is nothing to try to 'fix.' We're just flying blind.

Anyway, we got our list of questions and had a nice long talk about everything. Including the fact that I'm turning into a pessimist. This is SO not me. I've always always always been a glass-half-full kind of girl, while DH tends to be cynical and pessimistic in a reasonable kind of way. (ie, he thinks WAY too much and reads into things.) So we've always balanced each other out. I'm a little dreamy and unrealistic sometimes and he brings me down to earth...if a little TOO far down sometimes. But it works. Or, should I say, workeD. Because now I'm finding myself on his end. I don't want to hope or dream or allow myself to have optimism, because it just keeps biting me in the ass. I hate that.

Anyway, we got home last night and I had a very vivid dream about being in the RE's office and asking a MILLION questions. He was moving his chair slowly toward the door, trying to get out to see his other patients, but I just kept saying, "Oh, and one more question. Just one more!" And after he finally escaped, I asked my nurse some questions. I am probably reading a little too much into things, but I feel like my subconscious is telling me that I need to be a little more proactive. Ask questions. Do research. Be proactive. So J got me a pad of paper right after I woke up and I jotted down 5 or 6 questions that I have for the nurse when I call her today to get my next prescription of Clomid. I guess we'll try the educated and proactive approach this month and see how it goes.

But then I think we'll take a break. I don't know, we'll see. It's rough. My RE charges just $300 for an IUI. And this is the last month that I'm paying for my personal trainer. Guess how much he costs. Yep--$320. So in reality, we won't really miss the money if we continue to do IUI's, but I think that my RE will soon push to start injectibles, which are much more expensive. So that may result in a break to save up more money so that we aren't stressing about still putting money into savings while doing all of this. After all, I still want to sell our house and buy a new one in the next couple years, so our normal savings can't be halted. Aaahhhh, why can't we just be lucky enough to get a baby for FREE?!?!?

Enough of my rambling.


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