I found out today that the lady who sang at our wedding committed suicide. Wow. I didn't know her well at all...she's my cousin's ex-sister-in-law...if that makes any sense. So I've hung out with her on the houseboat before and we've known one another in an acquaintance-y sort of way, but she was my cousin's family. And she's gone. She had two (I think) boys.
She took 120 Tylenol PMs.
My first thought was about how any mother could leave their child. But I know full well that sometimes the cloud of depression and truly feeling hopeless can drive a person to do much more than anyone could ever have imagined from them.
But my second and more lasting thought is that I just feel a little cowardly to fuss and whine about IF. It really hurts. It sucks big time. But I have never once been to the point of no return. Not even close. And I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly and genuinely happy in my marriage. The only thing missing is a baby. But I do know without a doubt that J and I will make it if we are never blessed with a baby. Someone said to me the other day, "He really just absolutely adooores you." And it's true. And I, him. We are happy. And there are a lot of people out there who have the one thing that I yearn for more than anything, yet their lives seem hopeless, empty, not worth living... I am stunned at my response. I feel like I just need to go pray. I need to sit down and meditate and say thanks and pray for her. For everyone feeling like she did. And for her boys.