Tuesday, February 16, 2010

milestones: good and sad

20 Weeks. That's what yesterday would have marked in our pregnancy. 20 weeks is usually that magical week when you get to find out the sex of your baby. I can only imagine what we would be doing if we hadn't lost Mya. How would we be celebrating? Would I be showing? What kind of damage would I be doing at Gymboree after finding out that she was a little girl? I was hoping for a girl.

I'm in an odd place. We're in our first cycle since losing Mya. It's the first chance to try again and though I'm hopeful and really want to get pregnant again, a certain part of me feels like we're betraying her. That if we get pregnant, we'll be forgetting all about her. Maybe it's just part of what comes with seeing these milestones pass. I'm sure I will be feeling the same way on her due date. And every year on November 1 (the day we found out we were pg). But for now, I'm just sad.

Which (I think) gives me full rights to consume copious amounts of GS cookies! What you see pictured is actually my stash. No joke. I bought 10 boxes. Don't.judge.me. But, to make it even more guilt-free, the cute little girls that I bought them from are donating $.10 of their own money for each box that they sell. Talk about guilt-free cookie consumption!! I am so proud of their wanting to do this that I matched them by 150%. See? I'm doing a good deed by eating them. Nevermind the payment that my ass will make.

In other more cheerful news, we had our annual fondue night tonight. 5 years ago on January 29th, we got engaged. That night, J made fondue for us and surprised me with a pair of princess cut earrings and there was a beautiful princess cut diamond ring hidden beneath them. We had only been dating 3 months but we just knew, as they say. Funny enough, not a single friend or family member questioned things. It was like, "Oh, yeah....that's what they were both waiting so long for!"
So every year in January/February, we celebrate our engagement anniversary with a fondue night.

We do cheese and chocolate. Such a great tradition and I have a feeling that when we have kids, it might turn into a family thing, maybe a Valentine's Day family thing.


  1. I'm so sorry your feeling out of sorts and I'm sorry about Mya.
    The fondue thing is adorable, I am so jealous!

  2. I know how you feel about Mya..Thats how I feel about Genevieve..Each time we've gotten PG, it's like..I remember less & less about that pregnancy..But I know that when we do have a real-life baby..He or she will have 6 guardian angels..Who could ask for more?

    And the fondue night, I love it! DH & I were only together just over 4 mos. when we got engaged too..sometimes you just know=)

    Thank you much for the love!!

  3. Love your blog, your style and writing is fantastic. I'll keep reading.. :)

  4. I am so sorry to hear about Mya. My DH and I have also exprienced loss and it is a feeling no one can understand unless they have suffered a loss of their own. I know exactly what you mean by feeling like your betraying her. I look at it this way. When parents are blessed with live babies they do not lose any of the love they have for their first born their hearts just grow bigger to accomidate the love they have for the next child. I believe the same for our angel babies. We do not lose our love for them, our heart only grows bigger.

  5. I'm sorry you have been in a sad place with thinking about Maya. I think it's perfectly natural to have those feelings...just take it day by day. And I know you will never forget her.

    I loooove that you guys celebrate anniversaries of "non-traditional" things, like the day you got engaged. So fun and special! We always celebrate our "day we began dating" anniversary...in some ways its an even bigger deal to me than our actual wedding day! :)

    Hang in there!

  6. awww how similar are we...I am so sorry what you are going through. I remember in October I thought about the 20 week mark had I not had a miscarriage...Its so hard. Then last weekend was my due date so it was hard. :( It's hard to remember. Like you we like to celebrate the night we got engaged! It just happens that it's V day for us:) I love the idea of fondu night every year!!

  7. Oh man, I've totally been there. I had registered for those bump weekly updates. And as soon as I had my miscarriage I turned them off, but randomly I get one stray email saying I was 20 weeks...ugh, dagger to the heart. It's so hard, you can't get those dates out of your mind. I'm sorry, hang in there and enjoy those cookies girl!!

    And I love your anniversary ritual, so cute!!!

  8. Keep on keeping on girl. You'll get there. X.

  9. Girl Scout Cookies AND fondue in one blog?! Yum! Two of my favorite things! :)

    Thinking of you during these milestones and wishing you lots of luck this cycle! You'll get there!



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