Monday, March 29, 2010

matters of the family

Be still, my heart. Is this not the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life!? The best part is that I actually got it in the mailbox a few weeks ago. My sister said that my nephew (Griff, he's 5) was cleaning through his backpack and said, "Mommy, I think Auntie Sissy would like this picture. Can we send it to her?"

This kid is seriously the most thoughtful little guy. He knows that something happened and I was going to have a baby, then I was really sad because I wasn't. That's about all he gets. But after our last doctor's appointment, my sister and I were talking on the phone and he overheard and after we hung up, he asked his mom if I was in the hospital. She said no. He asked if I was sick, and she said no. Then he said, "Oh. Did Sissy just go to the doctor because she wants to have a baby really bad?" Yes, that's exactly it, buddy. You hit it on the head.

Aaand, for my latest frugal find...check out these little darlings! I'm telling you, friends, you should be running to your local Goodwill this week. I was in there on Sunday and there was so much great stuff!! Tons and tons of Target dresses, shoes, maternity clothes. Tons. Unfortunately for me, the one I happened to be in had a boatload of size XS-M. I'm far from that! But I did find these sweeties. The funny thing is, I actually bought them when they were full price. I think they're going to be so perfect with long dark jeans. Except I bought them in my size, not a size up. With that toe, I definitely needed the size up, so I returned them. I was so pumped when they had the bigger size! Love.

And in other Goodwill news, I saw my mom there. My mom, who I have not spoken with since Christmas Eve of 2008. It was such an odd thing to see her and have to do the whole, phone-in-hand-pretend-I'm-enthralled-in-an-email-while-standing-in-line thing. I realize how sad that is, but to be honest, I'm just really bitter. My sister and I got a seriously shitty end of whatever parental stick was thrown our way. They were the typical (okay, maybe not typical) crazy 17-year olds, having kids, but not wanting to grow up, quit partying and act like adults. Except that they never grew up. They're now both in their late 40s and they are still far less responsible than I have been since, oh, you know...13! I haven't spoken to my dad since August 2007.

Can I tell you how horrible it feels to have your baby die, the baby you've longed for for over 3 have her die and have not a single family member call you? It isn't fun.
Obviously my sister and I are very close, and I did get a card from my grandparents. But as for my parents? Nothing. This is the exact reason that my old blog was named Unquestionable Love. Because as bitter as I am about my deadbeat parents, I'm thankful for what it taught me. My sister and I knew from a very early age exactly how we didn't want to parent and how we wouldn't treat our future children. I know that my babies will never question my unconditional love and longing for them. Not for one second, no matter what mistakes they make, what fights we get into and no matter how mad I get at them. I'm thankful for that. But it certainly doesn't make seeing my mom any easier. It makes me sad for my nephews, who really do love their Mimi. They had a relationship with her and then all of a sudden, they didn't. She was good with them, but she leads a dangerous lifestyle and it wasn't appropriate for her to be around them any longer, particularly because she was living in one of my sister's spare bedrooms at the time. It makes me sad for my baby. I'm thankful for the two amazing people who have taken me in like their in-laws. My baby will have everything in life, but it still makes me sad that my mom was 15 feet away from me and I couldn't even tell her hello, tell her that I'm expecting a baby after so many years. I know she would be excited. It just sucks.


  1. I've only just started reading your blog so I don't know the whole story, but you are so strong! I can't imagine what it must have been like seeing your mom like that...

    You have inspired me. I am going to Goodwill tomorrow!

    Finally, you are an incredible writer. I always look forward to your posts, even if I am bad about commenting. :)

  2. Things may not always be the way they are with your parents.... here's hoping they wake up one day and realize how much time they've wasted with you.

  3. Mmm, not sure if my comment made sense. I mean I hope one day your parents realize the error of their ways.

  4. ((Hugs!)) I feel your pain. As an orphan I feel a larger desire to be a parent and a different parent then the way I was raised. I've, also, been in a tiff with a close relative after her insensitivity to my IF problem. I would avoid her at the DAV as well. It is painful but oddly comforting to feel it is my choice to not partake in someone else's drama.

  5. My therapist told me that my strong desire to parent responsively comes from my parents lack of well..parenting.

    That is just crazy that your parents don't "talk" to you, like distant relatives.

    Those shoes would kill my feet!! but they are cute.

  6. Bless your heart. I am so glad that you have such a great sis and delightful nephew.

  7. Oh girl, this makes me so sad. :-( I'm so glad that you have such great in-laws, though. I have no doubt that you are going to be an amazing mom and your children will be so blessed to have you as their mom. :-)

  8. First off, your nephew is sooo cute! That is the sweetest story!
    And I'm so sorry about your parents. It must be very hard, but its great you are finding the good...that YOUR children will be blessed with amazing parents!

  9. First of all I'm so glad you have an awesome, supportive relationship with your sister & in laws...and your nephew sounds incredibly insightful for his age! Secondly, I'm so sorry for what you & your sister experienced as children...but it shows an incredible amount of maturity, strength, & character to be able to recognize what is not healthy about growing up in that type of environment & ensuring that you do not repeat that pattern. Your children will be so blessed to have you as their mother & it is truly inspiring that you have changed the pattern of the family dynamic you were raised in!

  10. My RE is letting me come in to find out the sex at 16 weeks! How did your ultrasound go yesterday?



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